Feelings

I feel it you know, this void everyone seems to want and pretend to have but not understand it at all.

I’m deeply immersed in it. It’s dark and scary and extremely lonely.

It’s described as beautiful, light and warm by simpletons but they can’t simply begin to understand the dynamics of putting yourself out there and getting blank faces and cold hearts.

It tears me apart like shredded meat when I’m searching for a response and instead I get an opaque filled silence.

I want it to stop but it’s like a disease with no cure, it rapidly manifests inside me, breaking every bone and muscle and it won’t stop till I’m shrivelled and dry.

It takes every ounce of my energy and I sink in deeper the more I struggle out of it. I’m living in a world made of quicksand and I need to be saved.

I feel its ugly side and I’m jealous and envious of those who live on the other side, the ones who don’t have to experience rejection and disappointment every forty minutes of every hour.

The ones who delude themselves with its existence and revel in it joyfully.
…..I want what they have, I need the illusion.

I want to be one of them believing that the world is as colourful and not the black and white I see.

I want to feel it mirrored back without being needy and weak and used whenever I’m so open.

I want to not fall apart and flight instead of fight whenever I want something as deeply and as intensely.

I want to stand at the top of the mountain and let myself feel and be felt.

Impulsive needs…

I’ve been in a toxic relationship with money for a while now.
I want it but it doesn’t seem to want me.
I splay myself on its path but it just steps over me like it doesn’t care.
I call for it, I wait for it but I get nothing back
When I give up and decide to live my broke life, it sends a message via mpesa…like a ‘hey, baby gal’ (it has a Luo accent) ‘miss me’. And just like that… I’m back at it.
SMH!
Money is the quintessential fuckboy!
That’s because you need boundaries

For the past three months, Money has been getting less and less attention since Corona stopped by.
I’ve been so occupied with Corona’s needs and wants and the havoc she’s causing that I haven’t even able to spend some time with Money, what with being marooned in the house and all.

But now we seem to be getting back to some semblance of normalcy. And with it, old habits have surfaced.

Pre-COVID times, I loved going to malls at the end of the month when pay checked in. I’d carry with me a notebook and I’d sit my ass at Java just so I can treat myself to a latte and pay the bills. #selfcare #moneypit
I’d follow this up with window shopping then finish off with the longest route through carrefour, just to buy some tissues and soaps.

That routine, has never and will never be cheap!

Now, I walked into a mall the other day, even though I didn’t need to. Because the things I need to buy for the house can be found at the local kiosk.
Still went to the mall, you know, because I’ve missed the experience. 

Have you ever made a mistake that is not really a mistake because you see it coming?
You have the power to stop it but you were just too weak to care?
I made plenty…and my subconscious just kept shaking her head and eye-rolling through it.

Mistake 1.
Going to the mall. Didn’t need to but I went anyway.

Mistake 2.
Telling myself that I need to sit for a minute while I plan on what I’m buying so that I don’t buy unnecessary things.
(Eye roll)

Mistake 3.
Deciding that that seat can only be at Java.
SMH!

Mistake 4.
Sitting next to a couple that is having delicious-looking food and suddenly I convince my Sub that since we’re going to eat lunch anyway when we get home, why not save ourselves the hustle and just make an order.

Mistake 5.
Taking a walk around the mall, just to see if anything has changed.

Oooh, Woolworths has a hand sanitizer at their entrance..hmmm.
Yupp…keep walking
Is that 50% off?
Don’t you dare go in there
You know that dress looks like the one I told you we’ll need for that party
The one we’re yet to be invited to?
Yes…Plus its 50% off….soooo, it’s an investment
Close your eyes and keep it pushing sister!

Ohhh…text book centre
Yupp…It’s always been here.
I wonder how they’ve adjusted to Corona
I presume they’ve done everything everyone is doing
Wanna go see
No
C’mon, just a few steps further
We really shouldn’t
I won’t buy anything. I promise
SMH!
(nodding)….temp check at the entrance
Like I said, no difference
Yes, but they aren’t relying on the main entrance security alone, they are taking their own precaution.
Remember the other place we went to yesterday where the checks were only at the main entrance?
Yes, but it’s a cost issue especially with staffing
I know, but, TBC is doing ok…don’t you feel safe already
I dunno why you’re working so hard to get us in here
To look at books…see the ‘New Arrivals’ stand…plenty of books we haven’t seen
You promised no buying
I know, I know…now c’mon

Wait!…Is that…Memoirs of a Geisha?? 
We’ve watched the movie 20 thousand times. We do not need to buy the book
I know, it’s just I haven’t seen the book
So
I want to know how it feels and smells
Like any other book I suppose
Yes, but (picks books) She’s so light and the pages are bendy! We love soft and bendy pages
No buying
I didn’t say we buy, I’m acknowledging the beauty of the book
SMH
OMG!! It’s written in the first person
No buying!
But it’s in the first person….we love first-person
styles
SMH
Oooohhh (wide-eyed) see how much it is
No. Buying!
Buuuttt…It’s on sale
Put it down
No
Put. It. Down.
ok…..but can I smell the pages first?
That’s how you get Corona
Corona is not in books (quickly takes a large sniff)
Put it down and let’s go
(hesitant) I wonder what else they have
It won’t matter…now let’s go
but…
Are you still holding the book?
See I was thinking…
I don’t want to hear it
I was thinking, we can forgo something
You’ve already had coffee and an unplanned lunch
Yes, but we can forgo…
food?
No
bills?
No
transport?
No..I was thinking… Netflix
(silence)
Thoughts?
You want to forgo Netflix this month so that you can purchase a book that you won’t read anytime soon because,
a) you have thousands of books on your TBR
b) you’re currently reading a book so large, Christmas will find you with it?

….well…aaaahh…yes….
No
Why not?
Ohhh Geez!!!

Needless to say…..Memoirs of a Geisha has joined the ranks of books to be read…at some point this year…or in my lifetime!
(eye roll) You need to be in restraints
Shut up!
SMH!

My Inner Shrink & I

Infatuation…

What’s on your mind?

Infatuation…love, infatuation mostly

What about it?

hmm…just wondering what it is

…….

I mean, I know the text book meaning as well as factual, but what is it really? How can I tell if i’m feeling it or not?

We could try defining it from your perspective

how?

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of being infatuated?

Intense emotions

In what way specifically?

Well..
I could be seating at my desk at home trying to write but suddenly i’m awash with feelings about someone so intense that I stop thinking clearly

And when I can’t stop thinking about that person I end up writing them a poem

A poem?

Yes, a poem

Are you talking from experience?

…yes

current experience?

…yes

Can i hear a poem you recently wrote?

Why?

I’m interested in understanding the intensity of your emotions

…ok

I have the hots for you
I’m in like and lust with you
You push all the right and wrong buttons
It’s exciting and infuriating 
Sometimes I want to never see you but I feel like I’d die if I don’t 
I have all the reasons to hate you 
But I’ll murder someone who hurts you
The pull you have on me is frenetic

Hmmm!

What? What do you think?

Is that complete?

No…the rest is private
So? What do you think?

It’s not for me to interpret
I just wanted to hear your heart’s point of view

so?

It’s deep.

That’s all?

It wasn’t written for me so my thoughts on it do not matter

(sulkily)
Let’s go back to this infatuation thing

Ok
Do you think that that is what you feel for this person?

I think so
I definitely feel intensely
And I know it’s not love

Why not?

I presume love feels different..

What do you think love is?

I’m not sure…

Do you think you’ve been loved?

By parents/siblings/lover?

For this subject, let’s stick to lovers

Yes…I think so…

How did it feel?

I don’t know

What did they do or say for you to be sure that you’ve felt thier love?

Reciprocation?

Are you telling me or asking me?

….i’ don’t know

Don’t you think our issue here is not that you may not have been loved but that you don’t know what it is or what it means for you?

aaahhh….
I think we were talking about being infatuated

…perhaps you should spend some time trying to figure out
what it is
what acts or words or deeds you want attached to that feeling
you may also try to find out how you love
or what do you do to make the other person feel loved
what your language of love is…

…wait… i know that one

And?

It’s acts of service

What does that mean?

What does what mean?

When you say acts of service, what do you think it means?

It means I show my love by doing for the other person

How?

I give anything and everything to that person.

Everything?

Yes

I give.
Whole heartedly and most of the time i’d rather not receive.

Why not?

Receiving feels awkward

Would you say that you’re selfless?

Maybe…yes…to a certain extent

On a scale of 1-10, how selfless would you say you are?

7…maybe 8 I don’t know. I’m not perfect

(rolls eyes)
Do you think you’d be happy with someone as seemingly selfless as you?

Perhaps…
wait…
What do you mean seemingly?

Your supposed selflessness can be construed as selfish.

(with clenched jaws)
Expound please

You don’t think that there is anyone who would give in the same intensity as you so you don’t let them.
For someone who claims to be a giver, you don’t give anyone a chance to give you

I didn’t say that i don’t…

Have you ever told anyone all this?

No, but…

Have you told him?

No, why would I…

Then how do expect anyone to know how to give you?

I..well, aren’t they….

(bell chime)
I guess that’s out time today

what?

same time next week?

But we’ve not even answered anything?!

Not the point of this conversation

Run! But why?

It’s 6am, late into my week four of this silly goal. I play around with my alarm and wonder what it says about me if I snooze. The mental debate at this hour is deafening…
…what message are you sending your brain if you don’t stick to the plan?
…you’re a fyyyne ass woman, you don’t need to run
…one day of sleep won’t hurt
…your followers on IG will ask about today’s update
…you can claim that it is rest day
…it was rest day yesterday
…your mum didn’t raise a quitter
…but isn’t she supportive of my decisions?
…sigh! It’s raining
…so what? It’s just water
…the guy you like loves your ass
And with that, I jump off the bed and straight to the running gear that I strategically laid at the edge of the bed.

Fuck these men we like and the desire we have to keep their eyes on us. But men aside, I need to keep at this goal because my thighs are beginning to look like the chapos i’ve been gorging on whilst in Corona mode.

There’s a kibanda near me that sells the kind of chaps that are thin, layery and floury. The type that is too thin to chew so you breathe them in instead. I’m crazy for this chaps and so lately, i’ve been passing by to get some and finding reasons to eat them all day.

I’ve had them as:
A ‘pass by the fridge snack’
The snack before lunch
As a chaser to my making dinner
Even as an accompaniment while I sip wine
They are so small that on their own they don’t count as food.

I’m not proud, but it’s good to know oneself and there a tiny fact about me…

I do not have food discipline. I do not know how to pace food and stretch it for days, unless, of course, it’s not cooked. Sometimes, I will swallow *** number of chaps in one seating, or cook a two day meal so deliciously that I will eat all at once.

I once bought a pack of Java coffee and it was attached to their cookies as a promo. Since I don’t have a sweet tooth, I reasoned that i’ll use it to serve on the side for guests with their tea, so it stayed unopened for a while.

One cold and rainy morning, after I had made the 100th cup of coffee, I picked up the pack of cookies to stare at it while I sipped away. I read the ingredients, marveled at the beauty of the pack, checked the spelling of each word just to see if someone messed up, then put it back in the pantry and patted my back for my, seemingly, discipline. 

But like sirens in the sea who sing to men on ships to lure them to the ‘promised naked thigh’. The pack of cookies sang alluringly, a Ballad of Boy II Men, acapella of Backstreet Boyz, sooner or later, I passed by the kitchen from the loo and opened the pack, I thought, I’ll have two now, two another day and another day it’ll it ends.
Two cookies a day aren’t bad, right? I won’t grow elephantine hips just from two a day, right?
Right!. So I dived in…

3 hrs later….

I neatly flattened the once full pack of Macadamia cookies, folded it into halves and quarters and slowly headed to the bin completely freezing out the fact that I ate all the cookies.
Playing dead to the screaming voice inside me, scolding me for lack of food discipline and ignored the conversation that was happening in my head whilst my other self justified that weight is just a number
That everyone in Covid times is bound to gain a little
That who cares anyway, single hood seems to have unpacked and currently resides in the other room and who knows when it’s leaving so no one is going to notice the food pregnancy bulge that was growing, unwaveringly. 

But it wasn’t that long ago when I was so huge that parts of me were left out when I looked in the mirror and the girl that stared back was sad and depressed about failing at the thousands of diets she had tried.
Body image has plagued me since childhood. I’m heavier than I look and it doesn’t help that food seems to go sideways every-time I eat. So, naturally, after all the chaps, cookies and sugary chasers to my endless drinking, I’ve added a teensy weeny bit weight and that is not a feeling I want back.

So, run, I must.

I’m not a fan of the boob slapping face activity called running, so I dread joining the pack of runners, joggers, quick walkers, casual walkers, crawlers so while dressing up, I try to psyche myself up with uplifting mantras…
Running is healthy
I’m working for the body I want
Running clears my mind
Runner’s high is better than gin high (LIES!!)

The sights however make it bearable. One time I spotted a chick ahead of me quick walking, it looked odd yet interesting. Imagine walking at a running speed. Forced to clench thighs, ass, waist and move, the move is similar to a duck’s walk.
Normally, while walking, there’s an ass dance, I don’t know how mine looks like but I damn enjoyed looking at hers, and how pronounced it was, I slowed down to a slow jog just to stare at her ass dance, it looked intentional, like she wanted all eyes on her behind.

Go ahead and judge me, but have you seen a female in motion? (I maintain that I was a man, in my previous life)

As I laced up my shoes, I remembered the chaps I had in my fridge and if I should make a rolex later. The Rolex had become my reason for living, I’ll have for breakfast, lunch, dinner. I even have my own special recipe, sautéed onion, yellow and red peppers, topped with a cheese slice, wrapped in egg, all wrapped up in a chapati, served with a slice of avocado.
Mmmh mmmh, the gooey deliciousness of that meal, damn!

I would love to know what the guy who came up with the rolex, was thinking, was he dreaming about the possibility of brunch but all he had was a chapo and egg? Was he at a buffet and the only starch left was a chapo but the chef told him that a he could get an omelette with that? Was he at his girl’s house and all she had was a pack of chapos and eggs in the fridge? (This is what constitutes the content of my fridge these days, btw)
Whatever the case, it was genius!

I’ll run a bit longer today, just so I can have two rolexes later. Perhaps double the usual distance since Glovo was here yesterday and…
.…If i may ask, once Glovo delivers a BOGOF burger. Is it normal to, finish the two burgers…in one seating…by yourself??
No??!! I thought so too.

It’s 6.40am and I can’t put this off anymore.

For the love of raw …

I think life’s experiences are best felt and remembered when they are unshackled by the usual laws of society. Raw and unabashed conversations, usually happening under influence, are hilarious and honest. When cockiness peppers all the other good qualities of a man, his attractiveness shoots up. Mainly because he has nothing to hide, even those things that should stay hidden.

You’ll find me drooling when a man says ‘ask me anything’ whenever I’m curious enough to probe deeply and unapologetically about his entire existence ranging from the most logic to the most absurd. And when it’s coupled with an immediate detailed response to my question. The effect is one huge ASMR aka ‘head orgasm’ which leads me to want the actual orgasm from said man.

Anywho, I love the beauty of rawness in life and this seems to have seeped into other matters as well, sex!

I probably will get looks for this, but hear me out.

You know that scene when you’re on the couch, Netflixing. Man child is flicking your nipple playfully, it’s turning you on so you don’t stop him but still, sex is far from your mind.
But then you decide to say fuck it to the movie and get on top of him to you know…tease him a bit.
And since you’re in a dress with no undies and he somehow manages to get his shorts down without too much drama, you end up feeling the tip of his penis on your clit and you think…just a little dip wont hurt.
So you dip…and you dip…and dip…and dip, till you can’t dip no more?
No?
That doesn’t happen to y’all?
Just me?
Really?
Well, damn, ok.

Now the topic of contraceptives is quite interesting to me and after seeing the experiences of different women using different methods on @thevibratinglawyer IG stories. I’m thinking, damn! The options are many but the side effects, albeit relative from person to person, are crazy!

There’s endless nausea
Bleeding for weeks
Cramps from hell
Weight gain
Low libido
Risk of having an IUD pulled out whilst in finger action
Of course, among the many methods, there’s the famous pull-out, abstinence, and the most common, condoms.

Truth time..I’ll start. Condoms are fucking annoying. There’s nothing sexy about that rubber and it’s always usually at the wrong place when the fun starts. Additionally, it doesn’t make sense to have it on when innocently making out since making out is not necessarily a precursor to full-on sex. So unless I plan on littering the whole house with condoms, under pillows, under couches, in the pantry, this rubber will be missing in action. A lot.

I am also aware that the above Netflix and chill scene may just be a ‘me’ problem. So I apologise to those living a clean life. However, to those reading this and nodding, thank you for making me feel not alone.

Point is, the location of this rubber is elusive when I need it. Especially when going to fetch as the good girl I think I am, kills the momentum, no?
There’s also the fact that raw sex…slaps differently, so…you know…
And at the time required to use some common sense, my mind is flooded with reasons why this is ok. I’m not with anyone else, he’s also not with someone else from what he tells me and I choose to believe despite the fact that we are not tied to the hip, but at those moments, it would be rude to require proof of facts, so I tell myself.

The consequences, however, are dramatic.

Once every now and then, I’ll get a pregnancy scare for ages.
The type that takes me back to church
The type that makes me declare never to have sex till I’m into my second year of marriage.
The kind that makes me think twice before taking a Tequila shot because I might kill the baby, but I proceed to down 5 shots, anyway.
The kind that makes me want to hurl insults at man child for not having a sensible mind.
The kind makes me realize I need extra income because, in this economy, diaper costs have shot up and I haven’t seen reusable nappies since I babysat my cousins back in the early 90s.

Jokes aside, pregnancy scares are shitty and I’d rather not have them so I go back to wondering what contraceptive to use.

So during my usual checks, I broached this subject with my OBGYN. I explained my desires – wanting to enjoy sex ( I didn’t mention how). And my worries – forgetting where I hid the rubber and instead opting to have the man child pull out then going through days of the dreaded scare.
(And If I have trouble remembering where the rubber is, I can’t imagine the horror of the daily pill, did I take it? Did I not?)
I also inquired on what he thought about tubal ligation as a method since I don’t have any desires of ever getting onto the baby wagon. But he just stared at me…blankly…for long…till it got awkward and I had to change the subject.

Turns out that no sane doctor will willingly perform that procedure on a healthy, young and childless woman unless there are extenuating circumstances and those circumstances are not for the enjoyment of raw sex.
There’s also that rumour that I might need permission from my father or husband and must be over 35 with at least 2 kids. 
Dafuq!!! Now I don’t know if this is true but in this patriarchal world, it sounds like it could be.

He, however, took me through all my options, mentioned all pros and cons. Explaining that side effects are dependent on the composition of one’s hormones so it is impossible to know till I try. But the idea of turning into a fat, always bleeding, forever pained monster with no desire for sex (at that rate, abstinence would be winning) we settled on the rubber. I just have to have so many of them that it’s ridiculous not to use them.

I left his office wondering, though safety is key, why can’t all men, single or married get a vasectomy and spare us the ridiculousness?
No really…why not?
Then have it reversed when they are truly ready for a baby?
Doesn’t that make more sense? 

Then all we’d be left to worry about are STIs but that’s a problem for another post.

Dear readers…

This blog has been up and running for the past 10 years .

In my head!

In my head, I have written and inspired or attempted to inspire readers with whom I’ve interacted and grown with over time. 

In my head, this blog has metamorphosed into different phases that have grown with my age and experience.

In my head, this blog has taken me places, i’ve met people and seen things that have all contributed to the person I am.

But that’s all in my head and now, all the material that I have written, edited and never posted are now screaming to be shared.

But life…

Recently, I watched Patricia Kihoro’s vlog where she was talking about all the things that held her back and damn she’s my spirit animal:-
Self doubt
Procrastination
Inner critic
Comparison with others
Insecurities
Imposter syndrome
Fear
Overthinking (biggest culprit)
Not knowing what my voice is, or if I have a voice or if what I want to write about is relevant or useful or funny or whatever.
What if I can’t come up with more than 200 words per post?

Similarly, i’ve had different blogs over the years but all the above stopped me from letting the world know. And so one by one, I’ve deactivated them and now left with this.

Now I love to write, and I like to joke that writing was my first language. But really, it is not a joke but a fact. I used to read ladybird books and revise them in my understanding. I used writing as the main mode of communication to my mum or others and honestly, I still use it to talk to my love interests.

To all the boys I’ve dated…You have all received really long worded letters expressing my opinion or other. Lol!

However, i’ve been horrible at using this talent to do anything. (Assuming I can that is): But can I truly:
Inspire
Lighten up the mood
Bring forth taboo topics
Show a different angle to life

Whatever it’ll be, all these will remain questions and theories until i take the plunge.

Be afraid,
And do it anyway!

So here I am taking the plunge, heart first the rest after.

Lone Wolf?

Let me tell you about being a lone wolf.

It’s not a title that you acquire in a day, it’s not a persona for the light hearted.

It doesn’t happen willingly either or without much persuasion from life’s experiences

Being a loner is a kin to building a puzzle, the final picture is made up of bits and pieces of tragedy, mistrust, let downs, tears, insecurities and beat downs both physically and emotionally.

Being a lone wolf happens because your experiences in this world seem so cruel that no one else could possibly be going through it.

But I’m a true loner? I’m I loner?

Because when shit feels like it’s about to hit the fan and I want to cry…I want to do it with someone.

So I go through my contacts, in search of someone who’ll give me the right amount of empathy, sympathy, advice and silence…

However, the thought that crosses my mind even with the closest of people in my life is…

They too have their problems, why should I add mine onto it

So I crawl back to my corner and sniff in courage in between the tears

a drug…

There’s nothing as dangerous, as deadly, as loving fervor. Addicted like a drug to the pull of emotions and the confusion it leaves me with.

I love how entangled my heart, soul and mind is when a wave of hits. I swear this is a drug, the worst kind because no one speaks about it.

Hollywood romanticizes it, no one notices it, can’t blame them, I’ve gotten so good at hiding it.

In the scale of issues, in the scale of heroin to Corona…deathly intense feelings for someone does not appear.

But fuck….I die and come alive!

I love how high, dry, breathless, torn, in tears, in pain, happy, nirvana, split in the middle it he leaves me.

It’s why I made that call
It’s why I sent that text
It’s how I know I’m here
That I exist
In this life
At this time
With these people
…and him among them.

Face Masks

#coronicles …

Got out of the house today to get some shopping done. It felt like a road trip especially since my road trip partner was also heading there. I was super excited, showered properly, got all dressed, even ironed my shirt, perfumed up, wore my elaborate earrings, sunglasses ( thank goodness for the weather) almost did a G&T mix in my coffee mug ( if you don’t know why then you don’t road trip well) one last look in the mirror and out I go….

But wait….missing something…a face mask!

I got to the mall and I was fascinated at how everyone had one on. Same way everyone had a pair of shoes….or something on their feet. Different colours too, white, medical blue, Ankara, bandanas, handkerchiefs, hands covering faces…. whatever mode used, we were all a mouth covered population.

Dystopian creepy.

As I shopped though I couldn’t help but notice, these masks are awesome …I love talking to and do it frequently especially when I need to make a quick decision, so shopping while adorned in a mask, I found that awesome. I can mouth additions and subtractions, I can gasp at ridiculous price offers, I can debate impulse purchases to me myself and I like an animated sibling battle…all the while non would be the wiser.

Another pro is the eye contact game, I looove a good eye contact, non flinchy, one that signifies strength, a come hither, a smile, a naughty one , a ‘I see you see me seeing you’. A great way to eliminate weak character is to judge eye contact. If you can’t give me one keep it moving.

Do those suffering from halitosis (knowingly or unknowingly) know that they have that as a…thing that they should look into? No? Then they now will. If I want to jump off the window of the Uber while it moves just Cz the driver opened his mouth, I imagine it’ll be hell when their nose is trapped under that mask. Perhaps now these special peeps will take mouth hygiene seriously? No?

Split

…breathe in…

It’s been weeks in weeks…
Days merged into months,
I walk these streets wishing,
Praying,
Professing,
To the Universe,
To God,
The Conscious .
Willing everything I have,
That I never see you again,
That you never see me,
Or ran into you while I’m living,
For you to never invade my space,
When I’m exploring a bookshop,
Or having my Latte,
I wake up and part of my prayer is,
I don’t have the strength for you today,
So please stay in your corner!

….breathe out…

But for days upon days, weeks in weeks,
The streets feel empty,
The town is deserted
Life is a stranger,
My heart is not mine.
In the same breath, equally the same intensity,
Deep and filled with desire,
I know
No doubt, No hesitation
I will cut off my hands and legs,
Strip away my soul
If it means I can touch you once more, caress the back of your neck
Kiss your lips, breathe in your essence.
I will give everything…anything,
If you just come back to me!