I feel it you know, this void everyone seems to want and pretend to have but not understand it at all.
I’m deeply immersed in it. It’s dark and scary and extremely lonely.
It’s described as beautiful, light and warm by simpletons but they can’t simply begin to understand the dynamics of putting yourself out there and getting blank faces and cold hearts.
It tears me apart like shredded meat when I’m searching for a response and instead I get an opaque filled silence.
I want it to stop but it’s like a disease with no cure, it rapidly manifests inside me, breaking every bone and muscle and it won’t stop till I’m shrivelled and dry.
It takes every ounce of my energy and I sink in deeper the more I struggle out of it. I’m living in a world made of quicksand and I need to be saved.
I feel its ugly side and I’m jealous and envious of those who live on the other side, the ones who don’t have to experience rejection and disappointment every forty minutes of every hour.
The ones who delude themselves with its existence and revel in it joyfully.
…..I want what they have, I need the illusion.
I want to be one of them believing that the world is as colourful and not the black and white I see.
I want to feel it mirrored back without being needy and weak and used whenever I’m so open.
I want to not fall apart and flight instead of fight whenever I want something as deeply and as intensely.
I want to stand at the top of the mountain and let myself feel and be felt.